Yet Another Odd Lover
by Girl in My Mirror Is Crying
Summary: Blanche finds a man with...quite an interesting story.
1. Chapter 1

October 20th, 1985

Blanche walked into the house from the front door and said,

"I think I'm in love again!"

"Please, you've fallen in love more times than a fat kid falls in love with a bag of Lay's Potato Chips!" said Sophia and the audience started laughing at this. Blanche rolled her eyes and then said,

"Sophia, are you insinuating that I'm fat just because you've seen me eaten a whole bag of Salt and Vinegar Chips in one sitting?"

Sophia said nothing and let out a huge fart at about 103 decibels and it lasted for about 7 seconds.

"OWW! MY ASSHOLE!" she screamed, causing the audience to laugh even harder. Blanche just rolled her eyes and went into the kitchen and saw Dorothy and Rose cooking mashed potatoes and grits at the same time.

"Well, girls, why are you two cooking such mushy food?" asked Blanche as she looked at the two and then sighed as she put on lipstick.

"I heard you say that you fell in love..." said Dorothy with a voice that had as much sarcasm as Uchiha Sasuke when he told Haruno Sakura that he really loved her. "...again. So tell me, what does this nigga look like?" The audience went "Ooooooh" when they heard her use the "N" word.

"Bitch, I asked you why the hell are you making that food!" demanded Blanche as she threw her purse and missed Rose, causing the door of the microwave to crack. The audience started laughing at this with more seriousness in their voices than the time that Vanna White tripped over her black high heels during a show and the entire set fell backwards.

"We're hungry, darn it!" said Rose as she threw the spoon at Blanche, but this nigga dodged out of the way and the door opened with Sophia trying to come in. The spoon hit Sophia and she said,

"What the fuck is your problem, you Swedish gorilla?" The audience started to laugh very loudly at this and one guy started coughing so loud that the girls broke the fourth wall and Dorothy said,

"Someone needs to stop smoking. You smoke more cigarettes than somebody who can't even afford lobster at the local gas station in downtown Concord, New Hampshire!"

The girls started to laugh and then they sat down.

"So tell us about this guy you fell in love with, Blanche," asked Rose as she was very curious.

Blanche began to fan herself as she began to think of the man that she saw. "I was just walking to the courthouse to talk to the judge I'm seeing, and all of the sudden, I see this guy jogging along the alley next to the courthouse, you know, the one right next to the strip club?"

The audience laughed and the girls nodded at the statement. "Anyways, I went up to him and I saw...he had **_huge_** balls in his speedo. So I said to him, 'Nigga, do you have a grapefruit in your speedo?' And he said, 'No, babe, these are all natural. Wanna feel?' And I said, 'Hell, yeah, nigga!' So I touched his nuts and they were the for-real deal, girls. He had some hairy nipples, sure, but he was so polite to me."

There was an awkward pause for both the audience and then the girls, and then the audience started laughing.

"You just touched a guy's nuts? In public?" asked Dorothy as she was trying not to laugh.

"Well, we were in an alley, Dorothy! Do you think I'd do something that raunchy where people would see me?"

"Please!" said Sophia. "You've taken pictures of your butthole and sent it to all the rich guys who are older than 70!" The audience began to roar into laughter and Blanche just laughed nervously.

"Sophia, if you continue to say shit like that, I'm gonna personally send you to Shady Pines' worse alternative Foggy Mountain. There, if you shit in your bikini, you gotta change your underwear in front of everyone as punishment."

"Oh, no, I don't want people to see my ass! I'm not a slut like you!" said Sophia as she ran out of the room and sat on the toilet. The cameraman followed and she said, "Get the hell outta here, you sick pervert!" She then kicked her shoe off and it broke the camera.

Dorothy then turned to Blanche and said, "I know if you touch a man's parts in public is your business, but seriously? You touched a guy's parts in a speedo! How gross is that?"

All the sudden a doorbell rang and Blanche said, "I'll get it!" Sure enough, as soon as she opened the door, there was the man. He was about 51 but he looked very good for his age, and he was still wearing his black speedo and a white tanktop. He also had on some gogo boots and some fingerless gloves. The audience was laughing for about 10 full seconds and Blanche said,

"It's you! The guy from the alley!"

He smiled and nodded and said, "It's you! The one who touched my nuts!"

Rose went into the living room and gasped when she saw the man in the speedo.

"You have some pretty large balls!" she said and then left the room with embarrassment. Dorothy appeared and said, "Please put some pants on, you...you weirdo!"

"Girls, this is Martin. Martin will be having dinner with us."


	2. Chapter 2

The audience began laughing really loudly when they heard that this dude Martin was going to be there for dinner. Especially because this guy had on a black speedo and he had on a funny outfit.

"Who is this yutz?" said Sophia as she looked at him. "Put some pants on, please! I haven't seen this little skin on a man since I looked at this Japanese dude's penis!" The audience started roaring in laughter at this racist joke and then she left the room, getting some beer to drink since she knew that she would need some to get through this night.

"So, what are we having for dinner?" asked Rose as she looked at Blanche.

"We're having Doritos and lobster," said Blanche in a sarcastic tone. "What do you think we're having for dinner? We're having some of those grits, mashed potatoes, and this chicken that is in the fridge, you twit!" The audience began laughing at this and Dorothy was having such difficulty looking at Martin. They made her uncomfortable and Blanche started making plates for all of them and Blanche put a stool at a counter and said,

"Sophia, you are going to sit here while we are eating."

"Why do I gotta sit here?" asked Sophia as she gave Blanche an evil look.

"You know the rules, ma; when you eat mashed potatoes, you gotta sit by the counter!" The audience began to laugh loudly at this and Sophia said,

"Nigga, I just farted once and it was because I had turkey at Thanksgiving!" said Sophia as she tried to defend herself more than the time that Sakura was cornered by a radish that was about to give her a rash because she farted on the kidney beans that she was going to give to Chouji.

Blanche served the plates and then she sat down at the table and then Martin, Rose, and Dorothy did the same thing. Dorothy was uncomfortable sitting near Martin, but she didn't want to sit across from him because there was a good chance that this weirdo may make conversation that was more awkward then the time that Ginger asked Dodie to floss Ginger's teeth because Dodie never had to flush the toilet.

"So, Martin, tell us a little bit about yourself," said Blanche as she had a funny giggle in her voice as she looked at the other.

"Well, I'm from Bangor, Maine and I came to Miami four weeks ago to join the middle-aged swim team," he said as he ate some of the food that was in front of him. "I'm actually from Augusta, but I moved to Bangor because I hated living in a capital city. I love Miami. I am currently a salesman at a hardware store and I served in the navy from 1954 to 1970."

"That's nice, but why are you wearing that speedo?" asked Blanche as she looked at him. "In fact, why are you dressed like some sorta gogo boy dancer?" She began to think of this time she went to a club back in 1971 and saw a gogo dancer who wasn't gay and had an affair with George. He wasn't happy at all and he found out the dancer she was seeing was actually from Portugal and sent his ass back to that country.

"Well, it's the 80s and we are in an area that has really nice weather," said Martin. "I mean, I'm in excellent shape and I have nice muscles."

"That's a good point," said Dorothy. "But couldn't you at least put on some pants?"

"I mean, it's okay," said Blanche. "You look really cute in it."

Martin all of the sudden lifted his ass up a little and he farted really loudly, causing Rose to fall out of her chair and she grabbed a hold of the table cloth and the table fell on top of her. The entire audience was roaring with laughter and Sophia went to the fridge and poured some Ovaltine in a bottle and then threw it at Martin, who fell down and he was on top of Rose. Rose started screaming and then he farted on her chest and the audience began laughing even harder.

"EWWWWW!" screamed Rose as she got up and got an kicked him in the speedo. Dorothy took her blouse off and her bra and wrapped it around the refrigerator and then it fell over and Phyllis Glutman appeared wearing nipple pasties.

"WHO STOLE MY BLUE RINSE!" she screamed as she pulled out a machine gun and started firing at the sink, causing it to burst and the water started drenching the floor.


End file.
